Lake Nowhere (2016) – Review

Lake Nowhere is, to my knowledge, the most accurate slice of 1980's slasher heaven that has come out since the actual decade. It's an experience that every fan of Madman and The Burning needs to witness.

In Lake Nowhere, a group of teens travel to a lake, called – uh, what’s it called again? I didn’t catch the name. It doesn’t matter. This group of teens soon find themselves at the violent hands of a masked murderer named – I think, the Masked Maniac? Masked Murderer? Who wants to kill them because…well, it doesn’t matter. The point is, some dumb kids go to a lake house, party, have sex, and then get killed. That’s what’s important here.

And it really was a good choice on the writer’s parts to almost completely disregard pointless details like that. I use the word “pointless” because, let’s face it, at the end of the day, 9 out of 10 slasher films from the 1980’s have plots that are nonsensical and pointless. We’ve come for the gore, the creepy atmosphere, and most of all, the overwhelming cheese. Lake Nowhere recognizes this and goes full-on style over substance, and that’s awesome. In trying to recreate something really cool and unique – a slasher film from a forgotten time recorded from television onto a crappy VHS tape – writers Ryan Scott Fitzgerald and Christopher Phelps just go straight for the jugular. Lake Nowhere is a no-nonsense, gory film from a lost age.

The success of a film like this relies solely on aesthetic, and Lake Nowhere has it in down almost perfectly. The film also comes with the inclusion of some trailers beforehand, including a sci-fi/horror hybrid called Harvest Man, which I would have loved to see a full feature of. The tape skips and loses tracking sometimes, with other footage bursting in occasionally; there seems to be a lot of care put into the presentation of this film.

However, it’s not always entirely convincing. The wardrobe and song choices at times seem to be a little off – they seemed a bit modern. Regardless, that’s nothing that I’m really faulting the film on; simply some constructive criticism. With another try, the crew behind Lake Nowhere should be able to get everything down perfectly. I long for a film that is an indistinguishable replication of an ’80s slasher. This may have been the closest one that I’ve seen yet.

Another pleasant surprise that came along with the film is how gory and disturbing it could actually be at times. The effects are top-notch as if Savini himself was working his magic on the kills. And instead of explaining anything, the story takes a surreal arthouse approach towards the conclusion of this short film – it only runs about 50 minutes – upping the nightmare factor to an extreme level. It ends up feeling like an acid trip gone awry; so it’s probably best watched with a sober mind. Freakouts will most definitely ensue if not.

Lake Nowhere is, to my knowledge, the most accurate slice of 1980’s slasher heaven that has come out since the actual decade. It’s an experience that every fan of Madman and The Burning needs to witness. Here’s to hoping for another feature exactly like this – or ten. It’s a real hit.

The Geeked Gods score: 4/5. Awesome.

A nearly perfect replica of the golden age of slasher films.

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